Twenty-five square miles surrounded by reality. 

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When my novel, Profile, opens up, Arden Chase lives in Boulder, Colorado. He describes it as “twenty-five square miles surrounded by reality.” And in fact, that’s how Boulder proudly describes itself.

It’s the home of the main campus of the University of Colorado, and perhaps that could have something to do with it. After all, college towns are often a little bit quirky. But Boulder definitely strolls to its own beat.

Boulder was a destination of hippies in the late sixties, presumably those who were not quite motivated enough to make the trek all the way to San Francisco. But who could blame them? Boulder is a beautiful town. Some of those hippies stuck around, and that pot-smoking, granola-munching mentality can still be found in Boulder without having to look too hard.

According to the 2010 census, the population of the city of Boulder was 97,385. According to that same census, for every 100 females, there were 105.5 males, which means that for every 100 females, there are five and a half unhappy men. Although the census does not provide information about sexual orientation, so maybe those five and a half men are okay with the way it breaks down. (But that one half guy has got to be pissed!)

As Arden points out, Boulder is the proud birthplace of the Polar Bear Plunge and the Naked Pumpkin Run, as well as various other decidedly more cultural events. Sporting events such as the Bolder Boulder, a 10-K run, is held every Memorial Day, die-hard bicyclists can be seen on virtually every road around Boulder, and rock climbers risk life and limb on the Flatirons and surrounding mountains.

Boulder is also home to the critically acclaimed Boulder Philharmonic Orchestra. But some of the most fun music-wise (and other-wise) can be had by wandering the Pearl Street Mall, a pedestrian mall closed to motorized traffic. Performers of all kinds can be seen here, often interacting in imaginative ways with passersby.

Even many of those who have never been to Boulder have likely seen it, as it was the home of Mork and Mindy. The New York Deli on the Pearl Street Mall was featured extensively in the seventies show, as were exterior shots of the Victorian gingerbread house at 1619 Pine Street, just a couple of blocks north of the mall.

Not surprisingly, Boulder has made it on several of the polls and lists that magazines love to create. It ranked as the sixth healthiest city to live and retire, the eighth best city for artists, and it ranked number one as the happiest city, the brainiest city, the ‘foodiest’ city, and the best city to raise an outdoor kid.

In case you were wondering.

Arden spends a good deal of time in Chautauqua Park, which has a pretty rich history itself. And despite Arden’s run-in with a certain violent individual, crime rates in Boulder are actually quite low, with not a single murder or manslaughter case being reported since 2011. (The statistics I had only went through 2013, but if a major violent crime spree took place in the last few months, I didn’t hear about it.)

I’ve been to Boulder many times, though I’ve never lived there. But in the future, who knows? Twenty-five square miles surrounded by reality?

Reality really is overrated.

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(July 12, 2014 - Archived)  Rave Reviews! (part 1)  Back to HaydnGrey.com

For an author, nothing keeps the ball rolling, the sales coming in, like good reviews. And when those reviews come from literary giants, well, it’s humbling, to say the least. My novel, Profile, was released on Monday, July 14. But a few old friends got early release copies and put in their two cents. Jack Kerouac took some time out from his quest to find meaning in our meaningless existence to read Profile. Always one to spontaneously relate his unfiltered opinion, but not one to take a breath very often, he had this to say: Profile is a blaze of glory in a brown paper bag, an inconspicuous thing that makes you laugh, and makes you shudder, makes you want to be Arden Chase, and really live, the kind of life that’s bright and fabulous and glorious, but has a hard, cold darkness at its center, and you bite down on it and you go “Damn, that hurt,” but you’re glad you did it. When pressed about whether that meant he liked it or not, he said, “Yeah, it was great. That Evelyn was a real piece of work, though.” Ray Bradbury, beloved science fiction/fantasy author, was a little less direct. A couple of weeks in Colorado, not quite winter, but it’s cold. The yellow sun, nearing its farthest distance from earth, took its warmth from the planet. It left behind a bitterness, heard in the words of Arden Chase, a not quite remarkable man, nor an admirable one, but a likable one nevertheless. Jane Austen, when asked of her thoughts on the book, lent her effusive prose to a description of her impressions: How I have misjudged this work! I, who have glorified books and valued the author’s craft! who have spent many a blissful hour steeped in the prose dripping from his pen! How embarrassed I am at this mournful discovery, for having once cautiously dipped my toe in Mr. Grey’s composition, I became enamoured with his hero, Arden Chase, and though I cannot, in good conscience, recommend nor condone his choices and actions, I can indeed sympathise with them. For his wife was of such a wretched and contemptible nature that I fear that I myself, if placed in his position, sadly might have taken that woeful course as well. My predisposition of disdain toward Profile was, I fear, woefully premature, and having now reveled in Mr. Chase’s adventures, I must now endeavour to exclaim, without fear of censure or criticism, that I adore this book! Papa Hemingway was gallivanting around the world, shooting stuff. But that didn’t mean he didn’t have time to relax and catch up on his reading. Profile was the first book he read from his TBR stack, and he had this to say: Arden Chase is a likable guy and a man’s man. He wants to be decent and good but he is driven by forces on the outside to surrender to forces on the inside. The book is short and the storytelling is compelling and concise. Read it. Good advice! Check it out. More reviews next week.

(July 12, 2014 - Archived)  Chautauqua Park 

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In my novel Profile, my character, Arden Chase, spends several scenes in Chautauqua Park. That’s a beautiful, natural reserve on the southwest side of Boulder, Colorado, Arden’s hometown.

Chautauqua is pronounced just like it sounds. If you don’t know how it sounds, it’s kind of like this: shuh-TAW-kwuh

But Haydn, you may be asking, what is the history of Chautauqua Park? If you’re not asking that, you’re either a barbaric oaf of philistine mentality, or I just beat you to it.

I’ll just assume the best.

But to answer your question, the beginnings of Chautauqua Park can be traced back to an adult education program begun in the 19^th century. The New York Chautauqua Assembly was organized in 1874 by clergyman John Heyl Vincent and businessman Lewis Miller. This educational summer camp was held on the shores of Chautauqua Lake, on the western end of New York State.

The program in this original Chautauqua Assembly, and in the spin-off Chautauquas, included lectures of both secular and religious content, as well as musical entertainment. Soon, Chautauquas were popping up all over the country, most in the temporary camp site setting, but a few in permanent buildings.

The Colorado Chautauqua, originally known as the Texas-Colorado Chautauqua Association, was started in 1898. It’s the only Chautauqua still in continuous operation west of the Mississippi River, and is the only one in the country that operates year-round.

The Association and the city of Boulder agreed to establish their Chautauqua near Boulder, if the city could provide ample acreage and felicitous facilities. Following a city bond election on April 5, 1898, and the appointment of a Committee on Parks on April 18, the Bachelder Ranch was purchased as the permanent site for the Chautauqua, and was promptly renamed Texado Park.

On May 12, construction of the Chautauqua Auditorium began, and on the Dining Hall a week later. Both were finished in time for the opening of the first Colorado Chautauqua season on July 4.

Obviously they had never heard of red tape!

Over the years, various other structures were built for administration, lodging, etc. The Chautauqua has seen its share of ups and downs over the last century. But it’s now a popular destination in the area. According to Wikipedia:

The Colorado Chautauqua gradually returned to its roots in the late 20th century, scheduling much more live music and a modest number of additional lectures. Jazz and bluegrass concerts were introduced, with good popular success. Guest performers have included composer-pianist Peter Kater, Native American flutist R. Carlos Nakai, Doc Watson, Hot Rize, George Winston, Bill Monroe, Lyle Lovett, Randy Newman, Bobby McFerrin, Bruce Cockburn, Suzanne Vega, Bela Fleck, Roger McGuinn, Loudon Wainwright III, Michelle Shocked, and the Boulder Philharmonic Orchestra, among others.

Besides these cultural attractions, Chautauqua Park also adjoins open space and trail heads that lead to the Flatirons and beyond, into the mountains. Chautauqua Park was designated a National Historic Landmark in 2006, and is now a thriving cultural attraction.

Arden Chase spent one scene in Profile engaging in nefarious online hijinks in Chautauqua Park, but other times spent some quality time with his daughter, Lanelle. If you haven’t read it yet, well, that’s because it’s not out yet. But it will be soon. Watch for it on July 21.

Then you can see some of what Boulder is all about.

Right. Like that’s what you’ll be reading it for!

(July 5, 2014 - Archived)  Frozen Dead Guy Days 

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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the now defunct Naked Pumpkin Run in Boulder, Colorado, the setting of my novel, Profile. Something about the quirky nature of that event made me think of another even quirkier event.

It’s not mentioned in Profile. It doesn’t even take place in Boulder.

Get over it.

It happens in Nederland, Colorado, about a half hour drive west of Boulder, up into the mountains. It’s called Frozen Dead Guy Days. The festival celebrates a corpse kept frozen in a Tuff Shed for the last twenty-five years. Because, well, it’s Nederland, Colorado.

It all makes perfect sense once you hear the story. (Yeah, right.)

The frozen dead guy is Norwegian Bredo Morstøl, brought to America after his death by his grandson, Trygve Bauge in 1989. He made the trip to America packed in dry ice, but was then stored in liquid nitrogen in a cryonics facility in California.

In 1993, Trygve, being quite the entrepreneur, packed his grandfather in dry ice again and brought him to Colorado with the hopes of starting his own cryonics business. Bredo was stored in a shack behind the unfinished house of his daughter, Aud, Trygve’s mother. Trygve, however, wasn’t able to see his dream come to fruition as he overstayed his visa and was deported back to Norway.

His dream, and Bredo’s future life, was now in Aud’s hands.

Aud’s house remained unfinished, and as a result, she was evicted for being in violation of local ordinances prohibiting residents from living in houses without plumbing or electricity. Yes, it was that unfinished!

Fearful of what that would mean for her father’s frozen corpse, Aud pleaded her case to a local reporter, who then took it up with city hall. One might think that it would be against the law to keep “the whole or any part of the person, body or carcass of a human being or animal or other biological species which is not alive upon any property.” But since there actually was no law on the books to that effect, they created one.

However, because of all the publicity that resulted around this case, they made an exception for Bredo, a grandfather clause.

Yes, a grandfather clause that actually applied to a literal grandfather.

In 1995, a local Tuff Shed supplier teamed up with a local radio station and built Bredo a new final resting place, and a caretaker was contracted to keep him packed in dry ice. And being Nederland, Colorado, an annual festival has been celebrated in Bredo’s honor since 2002.

Observed on the first full weekend in March, Frozen Dead Guy Days includes tours of the Tuff Shed where Bredo’s body is still kept at -60 degrees Fahrenheit. Festivities also include a polar plunge, which usually necessitates breaking through the ice to get to the water, a dance, called “Grandpa’s Blue Ball,” coffin races, a slow-motion parade, and a Frozen Dead Guy lookalike contest.

They don’t call us Colorful Colorado for nuthin’.

(June 28, 2014 - Archived)  The Flatirons 

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In my novel Profile, my character Arden Chase, a resident of Boulder, Colorado, mentions the Flatirons several times. They’re rock formations, but what exactly do they look like?

Depends on where you’re standing. Looking at them straight on, it can be difficult to distinguish them from the mountain that they are considered a part of, Green Mountain. To appreciate their unique features, you have to view them from an angle.

Now, I know most of you come here to enjoy the delights of my clever prose and my sardonic wit. So let’s just get this sciency stuff out of the way.

According to Wikipedia:

The Flatirons consist of conglomeratic sandstone of the Fountain Formation. Geologists estimate the age of these rocks as 290 to 296 million years; they were lifted and tilted into their present orientation between 35 and 80 million years ago, during the Laramide Orogeny. The Flatirons were subsequently exposed by erosion. Other manifestations of the Fountain Formation can be found in many places along the Colorado Front Range, including Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs, Roxborough State Park in Douglas County, and Red Rocks Amphitheatre near Morrison.

What does all that mean? How the hell should I know? I’m a fiction writer, not a rock scientist. Suffice to say they’re old, they’re rocks, and there are other examples of them besides Boulder.

Wikipedia mentioned Garden of the Gods and Roxborough State Park, both of which I’ve hiked in. I’ve also been to Red Rocks Amphitheatre several times. Not to hike, but any of you who have been there know what a hike (and climb) it is to get from the parking lots to the amphitheatre itself. Wear good, comfortable shoes and be really sure that the concert you’re going to see is worth it. (The Beatles played there in 1964. That one would have been worth it, but I was only five at the time.)

Anyway, back to the Flatirons. They, along with these other formations, began forming long ago, when the Rocky Mountains were little more than a twinkle in the great inland sea. Numerous marine fossils have been found on these rocks which once formed the seabed. But as the seas retreated and one tectonic plate slid under another, it forced the seabed to turn upward, eventually resulting in the diagonal slabs of sandstone known as the Flatirons.

The majority of the people who visit the Flatirons close-up, though, don’t care how or when they formed. They’re just there to climb on them. That’s right, since the Flatirons are part of the City of Boulder Open Space and Mountain Parks system, they’re popular destinations for hikers and rock climbers.

Arden, like me, was more of a computer jockey than an adrenaline junky. He never climbed the Flatirons, but he (and I) hiked near them in Chautauqua Park. In this area, the Flatirons are so universally recognized that the word and the image are included in countless company names and logos. So it just seemed to make sense to refer to them in a story that was set here.

They truly are eye-catching formations. For those of you who can’t make it out here to see them, there’s actually a web cam that shows views of the Flatirons throughout the day, and even assembles them into a time lapse video.

Almost like being here, huh?

(June 21, 2014 - Archived)  Naked Pumpkin Run 

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In my novel Profile, I mentioned some of the attractions of Boulder, Colorado, the home of my character, Arden Chase:

I lived in Boulder, proudly described locally as ‘twenty-five square miles surrounded by reality.’ It was a popular destination for hippies in the sixties, and that free-spirit mentality has been a part of Boulder culture ever since then. Situated right at the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, it’s the site of various athletic events and music festivals, as well as such refined affairs as the Polar Bear Plunge and the Naked Pumpkin Run.

Profile is a work of fiction, but the information in this paragraph is true, including the part that sounds the most like something that was made up.

The Naked Pumpkin Run has taken place in Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon and Arcata, California. But Boulder, Colorado has the distinction of being the proud birthplace of this event. According to an article in the Wall Street Journal, Boulder “has always taken pride in its liberal-to-the-point-of-loony reputation.”

That liberal looniness has long included clothing-optional events. Back in 1974, hundreds of University of Colorado students ran naked across campus to try to set a Guinness world record. (They didn’t.)

Starting in 1998, the Naked Pumpkin Run began, and it’s just what it sounds like. Late on Halloween night, dozens of people made a run through downtown Boulder, wearing nothing but running shoes on their feet and a carved pumpkin on their heads.

Who would have thought that taking off your clothes and running through town on a cold night, wearing a heavy, smelly pumpkin shell over your head, in front of hundreds of spectators would become so popular? But it was an event that was tailor-made for Boulder. In 2008, more than 150 people participated.

Those less liberal-minded in the population took notice. So on Halloween of 2009, the police issued a warning that more than forty police officers would be stationed along the route, and even two SWAT teams nearby. One would assume the SWAT teams would be in case any of the runners were carrying concealed weapons. The police were ordered to arrest any naked runners and charge them as sex offenders.

This was kind of a sticky stance, because being naked in downtown Boulder is not a crime. Nudity has had a place in Boulder for quite a long time. Besides the aforementioned UC Boulder Guinness attempt, Boulder has also hosted a Naked Bike Ride to encourage freedom from fossil fuels.

Since there’s no law against nudity in Boulder, the police instead made use of Colorado’s indecent exposure statute. Under this law, it was a misdemeanor to expose one’s genitals under circumstances that were “likely to cause affront or alarm.”

According to the Wall Street Journal article, “given that the Naked Pumpkin Run starts at 11 p.m., long after young trick-or-treaters have retired, and given that the route is packed with fans who come out specifically to see the event, runners argue that it's absurd to think their prank is causing either affront or alarm.”

Participants, who included professional people like lawyers and scientists, were understandably fearful of being labeled sex offenders. So nobody showed up. Boulder’s Naked Pumpkin Run is now a thing of the past.

Boulder no longer allows people to run or ride a bicycle naked. Boulder still proclaims itself “twenty-five square miles surrounded by reality.” But their liberal lunacy is now a little more conservative.

(June 8, 2014 - Archived)  Poke Me! 

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Have you ever been poked?

Oh stop it! I’m talking about Facebook pokes, one of the more obscure and misunderstood features of the social networking site. You get a notice that one of your friends poked you, and you have the option of poking them back. Facebook is also nice enough to provide suggestions of other people you could poke, if you were so inclined.

I’ve never initiated a poke, but I have returned them. Sometimes. More on that later.

First, what the hell is it?

I’ve seen numerous status updates of people asking what a Facebook poke means. The responses cover a range similar to those found at the web site socialnetworking.lovetoknow.com:

• Just to say a quick "hello"
• To remind someone that you're waiting on a reply or message from him or her
• To check in and see if a person has visited Facebook lately
• To let someone know you're thinking of him or her
• Just for fun

In some Facebook circles, though, the poke takes on a bit more of a sexual connotation, with messages posted similar to, “Oh yeah, poke me, baby!” I’ve seen memes posted with milestone numbers such as 200 pokes, 500 pokes, etc., occasionally including the names of the people involved in the pokefest.

In my novel Profile, Arden Chase said this about Facebook pokes:

Now I never understood the point of a Facebook poke. It seemed to me like a “hello,” but without all the commitment, a greeting for people who don’t want to go to the trouble of actually connecting with another person.

Since Arden is essentially an autobiographical character, that’s basically my thought about the Facebook poke. If you want to contact someone, why not just say something? “Hi.” “What are you up to?” But I guess sometimes we just want to make a quick, noncommittal contact with someone without taking the time to actually say anything.

Still, I can’t really get past the sexual connotation. And that’s never more discernible to me than when I receive pokes from male friends.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I just don’t swing that way. So on those rare occasions that I receive a poke from a male friend, I don’t return it.

No offense.